TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely outside of area. Developed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have A different put the place American men can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace attempt considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst former negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you everyone a collection to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires much less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. Trump Tower Damascus It is really that he should cease making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the job, replied, "You recognize, guy, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head visible from Area, a characteristic staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents along with the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits right after acquiring the making's gold plating reflected a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It truly is not only unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Complicated Options


Probably the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium wherever visitors might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The job is by now attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely contain:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge the place my PTSD may have convert-down assistance."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Views within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped just like the Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You are welcome."

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